How To Live With Your Mother – again!
How To Live With Your Mother – again!
Be sure to observe the “Back Yard Rules”! -
1. Go out the back door, making sure it is tightly closed.
2. Walk as far back into the yard as possible.
3. Raise your chin and open your mouth wide.
4. Scream as loud and as long as is necessary to make you feel the universe is listening and that you have a voice in it.
5. Return into the house and resume normality, just as if nothing’s happened.
6. Answer all resulting phone calls with a calm sweet voice, assuring the neighbors that everything’s o.k. & they don’t need to call 911.
7. Make sure they understand that this may possibly reoccur from time to time, so they won’t call Animal Control either.
In the house understandings:
1. Understand that your cooking and grocery buying will most certainly be a topic of daily conversation! Be prepared to learn to shop with two separate grocery carts, keeping two separate bills.
2. Understand that to her you will now officially become the bad guy!
3. If she talks on the phone, DO NOT LISTEN, unless you are prepared to hear unfavorable remarks about yourself.
4. She will also become the victim and you will be the old meanie to everyone outside your home.
5. Keep her away from all stairs.
6. Be prepared to make several useless trips to the E.R.
7. Always go into the doctor’s exam room with her and make her tell him the truth.
8. Be prepared to have visiting relatives ‘take over’ only during their visit to “straighten out” the poor dear’s life that you have “messed up.” They will get glorious credit for really messing things up, and you will be left trying to get things back to normal again once they leave.
9. NEVER let her get her hands on the instructions that come with her prescriptions from the pharmacy which list the side effects!
10. Do not put a little bell next to her bed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
11. You will have to learn to overcome the constant feeling that “Mama’s in the house” in order to ever do anything again with any degree of privacy.
But other than these, you should find it an endearing time to reacquaint yourself with your parent. Have a nice day. 
Gene Breed
02-21-02
Entry filed under: Short Stories. Tags: Family Humor.
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